The Pain I Feel
by flaming-archer
Summary: Tifa loves Cloud so much that she is willing to let him go to Aeris and witness their wedding. Tifa felt her heart shattered to pieces as they exchange vows. But she’ll do anything… to make him happy… even let go… and die…
1. Default Chapter

_**The Pain I Feel  
**__**Chapter 1: How could you?  
**__**By: Kawaii-Leena**_

_Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy IX. Thank you very much._

_Quick Author's Note: YAY! A CloTi Fic! Well, not exactly. I love Cloud/Tifa pairings so much that I started to write a dramatic one! This has some Cleris/Clorith pairing, too, so yeah. But CloTi all the way! Trust me! Oh yeah, this is set in Tifa's POV._

**Summary: Tifa loves Cloud so much that she is willing to let him go to Aeris and witness their wedding. Tifa felt her heart shattered to pieces as they exchange vows. But she'll do anything… to make him happy… even let go… **

Chapter 1: How Could You?

**Tifa's Point of View:**

I sigh secretly to myself as I watch Cloud in his handsome Tux and Aeris in her sparkling wedding gown as the sacred wedding ceremony began. Yes, my two best friends are now being wed together, and I'm so happy for them. I'm so happy that I can't help but cry during the ceremony.

Yes, I will admit, even though it is wrong, I love the groom. I love Cloud Strife, even to those days that we were children, to the days that we have fought together… I love him so much.

But does he feel the same? As I can see, no, he doesn't. I'm just a friend to him, nothing more! Just a friend! Why can't we be more than that? Why does he have to fall in love with Aeris? And most importantly,

Why have I fallen in love with him?

Is it his deep blue eyes? Is it his gorgeous blonde spiky hair that always shines below the sunlight? Is it because of his seriousness? Is it because of his husky voice? Or, is it because of his warm and friendly personality?

Whatever it is, I regret it. I'm in love with him and he's in love with somebody else, my other best friend, Aeris Gainsborough, the last remaining Cetra. She is so beautiful, so kind, so cheerful and bubbly. She has this aura that attracts people to her, the power to make everyone that revolves around her happy.

Something I don't have.

I glance around the Best Man; it was Zack, Aeris's ex-boyfriend. He looks at me and smiles warmly, and I smile slightly back. I can still see that he still loves Aeris, even more that I love Cloud, but he has let go.

He has let go of her even if it means having his heart shattered to tiny pieces. He has let her go to be with the man she truly loves… the same man I care about.

Why can't I be more courageous like Zack? Even though his eyes hold pain and sorrow, he still has a happy face! He has move on with his life, a life without the girl he truly adores!

I turn to Cloud's face as the ceremony continuous on. He has a big smile on his face, his blue eyes carries the happiness I have never seen before. Is he truly contented with her than he was with me? Is he more comfortable with her? Does his heart love her?

I guess I wouldn't know, and never will. Is he really that happy with her? Should I let him go? Should I move on with my life?

I really want to stop the wedding! Deep in my heart, I want to do it so badly! But it seems so unfair… Aeris is my best friend, and after she has done for me, this is how I repay her? I can't do that, I just can't! It's wrong, completely wrong! Besides, it's so complicated now that it's too late.

And now, questions stir my mind…

If I told Cloud earlier, would he still be mine? If I have expressed my feelings more openly with him, would I be in Aeris's place now? If I was never a coward to open my feelings and emotions, I wouldn't be suffering now?

But all of that is too late now! Too late! And to think we made that promise by the well many years ago. Cloud, you did say that you would save me when I am in trouble, right? You promised me, right? If you still keep your promise, save me, Cloud… save me from this pain you are giving me… it hurts so much, Cloud! It's as if my body is getting numb.

Unfortunately, you can't do that, don't you? You love Aeris, and I cannot force you to love me back! But why, Cloud? Why must you let me suffer like this? Why must you give me pain, now that I have fallen in love with you?

Is it destiny to be like this? Was it fate that brought us together, and you will just leave me behind? If that was it, I hate destiny! I hate you, Fate! Ever since I was born, my life was always full of misfortunes and troubles!

I lost my mother, I lost my father, I lost all my childhood friends, lost my hometown, and now, I'm going to lose Cloud? Why must you be so cruel? Why is it that I always have to lose everything that is so important to me? Now that you are taking me away from him, I have nothing anymore, nothing!

Many have told me that Love is one of the greatest emotion a person could feel, but why does it hurt so much? Why can't I feel it?

I could still remember the day when Cloud announced his marriage with Aeris. I was so shocked; I could feel my body getting numb. It's as if my soul was taken out of my body, my heart stopped beating. My eyes were stammering. My fingers were trembling that I dropped the glass of water I was holding.

But he looked so happy that day. He laughed; he smiled whenever he was with Aeris. I could never do that. I could never compete with the beautiful Cetra. I was just another girl of his life, just his friend.

Then, it came.

The time that I have feared since the start of wedding…

Do I really have to let him go? Do I really have to? It took me for a while, and then I decided. It's his life, anyways. Life has ups and downs and I have to accept the facts right before my eyes.

My eyes flood with water as the holy priest said the words I have truly feared.

"Do you, Cloud Strife, take this woman, Aeris Gainsborough as your lovely wife, and stay with her through all odds, for the rest of your life?" he asks, smiling at him warmly.

I helplessly look at Cloud, my tears already falling. To others, it might seem like tears of joy for my best friend, but what they are seeing is a lie. The truth is it is tears of pain and sorrow I have held back. Oh Cloud…

Cloud looks at Aeris and smiles at her, "Yes, I do."

Then, it struck me. He said yes… I have lost him forever… he already said yes… then the priest asked Aeris the same question…

"Yes, I do."

I felt my heart already shattering. I could hear it. I could feel it. As Cloud pull up Aeris's veil, he kisses her passionately and lovingly. The crowds clapped their hands and cheered for the newly wed couple.

It's already over… they are now married… legally married… my life is over! Fresh tears rolled down my cheeks, and I could feel my knees getting weaker. Oh, Cloud… You seem so near, I wish I could reach you, but you feel so far away…

I collapsed to my knees and broke to silent tears. I have lost my chance! Cloud will never be mine! Why, Cloud, why? Why must you let me suffer? Why must you give my heart pain? I'm longing for your touch, yearning for your love, but what do I get back? Nothing but a shattered heart!

I have waited for you and this is the outcome of my foolishness! If I only knew you never really had enough room for me, I shouldn't have wasted my precious time!

It's all over… I could feel you walking away down the hall with Aeris in your arms. I'm so happy for you, Cloud… Really, I do! But this is too much.

I could feel someone touch my shoulder. I looked up with tears in my eyes, and saw Zack smiling at me with a warm smile.

"Oh, it's you… Zack…" I said as he I tried to stands up. I looked at him and then cried again. "Oh, Zack, I don't know what to do! Why is he tormenting me like this? It hurts so much, Zack! It hurts so much!"

Then, Zack hugged me… tightly. I didn't know what to do, I just stared behind him. "I know what you feel, Tifa…" he soothes me, caressing my hair. My eyes flooded with tears again. "I love Aeris, too. I love her with all my heart. She was everything to me, but she loved Cloud. It hurts me to know she doesn't love me back, but, life's like that, Tifa. You always don't get what you want. We never always have our way."

I hugged him so tight and cried in his shoulder, ignoring it was getting wet. He was right. I have to let him go. I should care more about his happiness than mine. And this has to be done.

"Thank you, Zack…" I smile sadly as I let go off Zack. I wipe my tears and look cheerfully at him. "Thanks for opening my eyes. I have now fulfilled my duty. I have helped both of them, helped them get together even though I didn't want to do it. I have attended both of my best friend's wedding. I have fulfilled their wish. And now, I have to fulfill mine. I have to… end my sufferings."

Zack's eyes widen, but I didn't care. I just smiled at him and run off the church, the rest of the AVALANCHE members puzzled. I run and I run through the streets, never looking back, my tears flowing in the wind.

I have fulfilled what Cloud and Aeris wants me to go, and that is to attend their wedding together.

And now, I have to fulfill mine.

I have to end my sufferings,

Once and for all!

I love you, Cloud… always remember that I will always wait for you… till the depths of time.

_**To be continued…**_

_Please Review! Till Next time by Chapter 2! What will Tifa do to end her sufferings?_


	2. Does the Heart Allow Only Love?

_**The Pain I feel**_

**_Chapter 2: Hatred, Pain and Love_**

_**By: Kawaii-Leena**_

_Disclaimer: I do not own FF7. They belong to Square! Period!_

_Wai! Thank you for the reviews, everyone! I'm so flattered! Yay! Hehehe! And thanks to the following people who have started to support me:_

_**Atomicsquid**: Thank you for reviewing, though I don't perfectly understand your review. Thanks anyways!_

_**CrimsonRed**: Wai! Thanks so much for thinking my story is quite dramatic! That's an improvement for me, you know!_

_**FF7 Fanatic**: Yay! My very best reviewer! I Love CloTi, too! They're the best forever! But it's sad though that there are more Cleris Fics more than CloTi… oh well! Thanks for adding this! It makes my day!_

_**KiwiFroot: **Eek! Well, sorry to say this, but I MIGHT disappoint you a bit… but not really. This story is kind of what you said. Thanks for the review!_

_**Inwez 247:** You have to see that yourself in this chapter! Thanks!_

_**Justme2004: **Arigato Gozaimasu! Don't worry, I'll try to keep them all updated! _

_And now, the heartbreaking second chapter!_

**Chapter 2: **

**Hatred, Pain, and Love**

I sigh as I sit beside the piano in my room hours after the wedding. It's finally over… my life is already ruined… I have lost Cloud Strife, the one my heart loves so much, forever, to Aeris. Why is life so unfair? Do I deserve to be just left out like this? Ignored? Abandoned?

I shake my head sadly. How can I ever know? I sigh again as I put my slender fingers in the piano keys, then, played my favorite piece, Moon River. It's such a nice song… and pretty sad, too. Soon, vast memories filled my mind…

Memories with Cloud…

There was this time when many years ago, I discovered he had a crush on me. I was overwhelmed with joy. Of course, who wouldn't? He was so cute, but I felt really guilty to just ignore him like that… he doesn't deserve it, but who is to blame? Whenever I go over to him, crazy fan boys would interrupt me, gaining my attention, and my dad, too…

And then the time when I was walking in the mountains of Mount Nibel (is that right? Correct me if I am wrong.). My mother died at that time, and many told me she was seen at the certain mountain. So, I went there, ignoring the warnings. And you know what? Cloud came and followed me… it was so nice of him!

But of course, I was the one who was foolish at that time. I went to the cliff and fell down. I felt like it was the end of my life. I closed my eyes, waiting for the fall, and when I opened them, I saw Cloud falling after me!

I questioned myself, if we went up to go after me, tried to save me, does it mean he has feelings for me, too? Or is it just a little bit of worried friendly emotion? It went years for me to answer that question, and till the end, I still don't know.

Then, the well memory… to me, it is the most beautiful memory I have with him… I always vow to myself I will always remember that for the rest of my life, especially the promise he gave me… but now, I question myself…

Was the promise worth keeping?

Do I still need to wait for him to rescue me from this horrible feeling of being abandoned and ignored? Do I have to wait for him to get me out from this pit of darkness where I already am?

He said once that he will rescue me whenever I am in a bind… but did he come? Did he came and saved me? No… he never did, and never will… he came to Miss Aeris Gainsborough instead and left me in one corner all by myself, my heart falling to pieces like a glass shattered on the floor!

Why, Cloud…? Why? Why must you let me fall in love with you? Maybe you shouldn't have ever showed up in my face in the first place… then that way… maybe I can just forget all that happened, but no… my heart never agreed with me…

It longed for you, ached for you, tried to reach you, but you never did look in my way after that. You never gave my love for you even just one chance. Ever since Aeris came to your life, all my dreams slowly faded away like a gust of wind passing by, carrying it little by little as you also slowly started to have feelings for the pretty flower girl.

I stopped playing and hung my head low, my tears passing by through my crimson eyes. "Oh, Cloud! Why must you be taken away from me?" I cried hard, my tears continue on flowing. "What does Aeris have that I don't? Why can't you just give me a chance to show my love for you? Don't you know it hurts?"

I touched my left side of my chest as the tears roll by my cheeks, "It hurts here, Cloud… my heart… it hurts here. It's so much that I can't take it anymore…" I put my hand to my sides and continued to sob, "Even just a girl, I was always full of dreams… I had dreams for my mom and dad, to my friends; I even have dreams of trying to make Nibelhiem a much more peaceful place… even you, Cloud… I have dreams for you, for both of us!"

"But everything was taken away! My mom died, my dad was killed, my friends were tortured to death, my town was burned… don't you know it's just too much for me to handle?" she looks at Cloud's picture with red and puffy eyes. "You were my only family left Cloud, other than Barret and Marlene… but… but…"

I never finished what I was saying; instead, I broke down to my knees and cried loudly, speaking my pain together with my sobs of agony. Life is so cruel…so harsh… it's so unpredictable… when you know you are just about to get what you truly want, what you heart needs, Fate gives a second thought and reverse it, giving me pain than joy.

Then, I looked up and wiped away my foolish tears. I reached for my red diary and my pen, and started to write something…

**August 20, (something)**

**Dear Diary,**

**You know what? My two best friends, Cloud Strife and Aeris Gainsborough just got married! And I'm so happy for them that I just want to cry! Really, I'm happy for them that they have found their happiness, and chose their paths for their future with a smile, but it hurts, Dear Diary… it hurts so much inside. **

**It's as if everything is a blur. When you feel hurt, everything that surrounds you seems to disappear and only focus on yourself and the feeling that is throbbing inside you. All through the wedding, I could only think of how much Cloud had given me a pain that I will always remember all through my life.**

**And Aeris… she knew I loved Cloud so much, gushes whenever I hear his name, but she continued on marrying him, ignoring how much she betrayed me. It's as if she acts like I'm not there, pretends that I ever love Cloud…**

**But who is it to blame?**

**Who am I to interfere a wedding and true love?**

**If I tried to stop the wedding, Cloud would probably laugh at my face, Aeris laughing together with him, but I know that won't happen probably. But you know what, dear Diary? I hate myself.**

**I hate being a coward! I hate myself for not being like Aeris! I hate myself for not being perfect enough for my childhood friend. It feels like my heart is slowly shattering to pieces, one after another. Second by second, I feel myself getting numb, feel myself being drowned by a feeling I could not describe.**

**And so, I have decided, to end all of this. I would probably be just another pest of Cloud's life. I really don't want to do this, but what can I do? I have nothing else here anymore…**

**Cloud; if you ever are reading this, I want you to know that I have cherished all of the things we have gone through together. Thank you for the memories that you shared with me, the tears we shed together. I also want you know, that even though you probably have the eyes for another woman,**

**I love you.**

**Truly yours,**

**Tifa Lockheart**

I smiled sadly as I closed the book of my diary, putting the pen to its side, my tears already falling once again. I have closed another chapter of my horrible life, and I won't continue it no more. What's the use of living life when you don't even have anything you wish for?

I opened a random drawer and put out a knife, a sharp, steady and reliable knife. I smiled sadly again and looked around the room, cherishing it all for the last time before my goodbye. Then, in an instant, I was gone.

_**(After 2 hours)**_

CLOUD'S POV:

I hummed to myself as I sit down in the sofa with my usual clothes, smiling as I smell the delicious cooking of my lovely married wife, Aeris Gainsborough – Strife. Ah… the good feeling of being with the one you love. Yesterday was probably the best day of my life, and later tonight will be another pleasurable moment (wink; wink)

But, there's this feeling in my heart where something is missing, something not right, something that went wrong. Something was telling me to look back, trying to tell me that I have chose the wrong path, and a feeling something bad will happen.

Aw, who cares? I'm already with Aeris and that's what matters, right?

Right!

As I continue to imagine a life together with Aeris, speaking of her, my wife suddenly runs up to me with a paled and sweaty face, her emerald eyes filled with worry. Behind her was their old comrade, who has the same expression on his face, Barret.

"Aeris…? What's wrong?" I ask, calming her down, caressing her soft arm. "Why are you so pale? Why is Barret here? Is something wrong?"

The emerald-eyed angel looks at me in the eye and says in a scared voice, "C-Cloud… t-there's s-something wrong! I-it's Ti –" before my wife could say anything else, her eyes closed for a swift second and her body fell into my arms.

"AERIS! Are you okay?" I exclaimed as I caught her. There, I realized she fainted. I tried rocking her but to no affect. I checked her pulse… good, it's still pumping normal. I looked up to Barret as I lay Aeris to the sofa, "What's going on?"

My old friend pauses for a moment, then says with the same tone of voice as of Aeris, "It's Tifa, Cloud."

Hearing my childhood friend's name, this caught all my attention and I walked closer one step to Barret and looked at him in the eye, "What is it? I hope it's nothing bad… I –"

"It IS something bad, Cloud, and I'm serious," Barret says in a pissed tone, his voice roaring around the house. Hearing this, I quickly shut up and lend him my ears… and deep inside, I was hoping Tifa's okay. "Cloud, I hate to say this, but, Tifa's nowhere in Nibelhiem."

My eyes widen in shock. I can't believe it, Tifa's gone? Not a single trace here in Nibelhiem? Impossible! She might be at 7th heaven, or taking a walk around the town, or maybe have gone to an adventure, or, or…

Noticing my speechless of words, Barret says in a sad voice, "She's not in her bar, Cloud. Yuffie and Vincent checked there just earlier. Red and Cait Sith is searching for her in the rest of the town, and Cait Sith just reported she's nowhere in sight. I went to her house and found it unlocked… you know that Tifa wants everyone to respect her privacy, yeah? And it's unusual for her to leave her house door open like that."

"Then where the hell is she?" I asked, yelling. Barret didn't reply and looked away. "Don't give me that as an answer, Barret! She can't be gone!" I paused for a while, then, I decided. I'll go search for her, then!

I picked up my jacket and run out of the house, yelling as I continued, "Barret! Keep Aeris safe, okay?" Then, after that, I run through the Nibelhiem streets, searching for only one certain person.

"Tifa, please, be alright…" I mutter silently to myself. "You have to be okay… wherever you are, please stay alright… I don't know what will happen if I… we lose you…"

I continued running, Tifa in my mind, wondering where she could be. As I reached her house, I found it unlocked. I bit my lower lip and run inside to her room.

As I enter, I found it once again empty, without a soul inside. I searched around, looking for clues. "Where could Tifa be?" I mutter to myself. I searched for a few minutes, looking behind curtain, below tables, finding if there would be anything that can give me a hint where I can find her.

"This is useless!" I exclaimed to myself after minutes of worthless searching. As I sit down on the bed, one thing caught my eye.

Tifa's Diary.

I stared intensely at it. It was starting to draw into me; it's as if it's calling me to read it. But this is… Tifa's diary. Of course, I respect her privacy! But what can I do? This might be the only way for me to find her.

"Tifa, please, forgive me for what I will do," I whisper to myself as I reach down to pick it up. Giving a silent breath, I opened it and started reading.

_**May 21…**_

_**Dear Diary…**_

_To be continued…_

_Watch out for the next chapter, folks! Remember to review!_


	3. Blinded Memories

_**The Pain I Feel  
**__**Chapter 3: Blinded Memories  
**__**By: KawaiiLeena**_

_Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII. Copyright of Square Enix._

_Hello to all... it's been such a while since I updated, ne? Anyways, I am SO sorry for the long wait, as you can see, I'm very busy with school activities and such and I've been quite lazy to write anything... but for now, I will try and update this story that I've started!_

_**Maud: **Hahaha! You're so cute! Here's your update, and thanks for reviewing!_

_**Lilmizgrunge: **Hope you didn't wait too long! ;;_

_**Paula: **Nyaahh! I will, I will!_

_**Little Buster: **Thank you very much for reviewing, and thanks again for opening my eyes... you're right about what you said in your review... I just can't leave a story like this hanging! Thank you very much!_

_**Eagle: **Thank you for the review and criticism, and I will deeply appreciate it. But beforehand, I just want you to know that I'm not really that good in writing stories, as you can see, English is my second language (I'm a Filipino) and I'm only 13 years old! So... you'll get the picture.. Thanks again!_

_**ChiBiEmI: **Thank you for the review and CloTi rocks, ne? _

_**I don't have a registered nam...: **Here's your chappie! Thank you for reviewing!_

_**Hitsugaya-kun: **Oh, dear! That is for you to find out! Thanks for reviewing!_

_**Unknownfan: **Thank you for stating this is a good story! I'm writing now, see? _

_**KiraLacus Forever: **Waaahhhh! Don't haunt me down! Here's your chapter, so don't be that threatening.. Hehehe...thanks for reviewing!_

_**Madelein: **Like I said earlier and for the questions you've asked, that is for you to find out!_

_**Lady Black Mage: **Hahaha... yeah, I've noticed that... anyways, don't worry, here's your chapter... and thank you for adding me! _

_**EyesoftheTigerKissoftheDragon: **Thanks for the review and here's your update!_

_**Simple Rain: **Really, is my story that depressing? Gosh, I always thought my story was quite boring... I guess I've underestimated my capabilities... hahaha... here's the update!_

_**CherryBlossoms-FlowerofDeath: **Wah? You were actually crying? Well, I guess that is an improvement for me! Thank you for the review and here's your awaited chapter!_

_**Mel: **Haha... thanks for the review and here's the update! Really? To tell a secret, I've never played Final Fantasy VII... so... I don't know much about the story! Hehehe!_

_Once again, I'm very sorry for those you waited for so long for this chapter... Please, accept my apology! Now, enjoy the chapter!_

**Chapter 3: Blinded Memories**

_Cloud's POV_

I stared at Tifa's diary, which was lying on the table, with my blue intensive eyes. The Red little notebook with a black pen quietly beside it, it was really drawing out to me. Silently. Magically. It might be my imagination or in some sort of telepathy, to which I'll just dismiss, but it's as if I could feel it yelling through my ear that I should open it, read the entries and trespass Tifa's thoughts.

And seriously, if you ask me, I don't want to do that! No matter how many times someone will force me, I don't have the courage to just butt in someone's private thoughts. Especially if the latter concerns my childhood friend, Tifa Lockheart.

But, even though I try to resist the feeling, the diary is still calling out to me quietly. Damn it, I just don't know what to do! Tifa's missing, not a trace of her flesh left in this small room, and the only clue to where she has gone is written in this small notebook to which she calls her diary. And the worse part is, I just can't read it without permission! That would be such a sin to my conscience!

But then, what should I do? I'm in the middle of a bad situation, and I don't have any other choice to decide to! Turning again to the silent object lying like a well-behaved student, I reached over and whispered to myself, _"_Tifa, please... forgive me for what I will about to do_..."_

The diary was now in my hands, I could feel it. I could touch it. The thick textures of the cover somehow creeps me out, but there is nothing else that I can do.

I have to do this. I have to! Closing my eyes, I whisper to myself, "For the sake of finding Tifa..." And with the flip of one hand, I opened the book, and the blinding light of the flexible writings of Tifa welcomed me. Seeing her smooth penmanship always amazed me. The way she writes, so crisp, smooth, strong...

Shaking my head, I blocked over my thoughts and skipped a few pages. One entry caught my attention though...

_**February 21...**_

_**Dear Diary,**_

_**You know what? Something so horrible happened today... truly horrible, truly shocking... one of my best friends, Aeris Gainsborough, was killed by that damn bastard Sephiroth! That was so evil of him! I can't believe that he would do such a horrible thing, isn't there any goodness in him! He is so selfish! Why is he even like that? Why would he kill such an innocent and pure soul, such as Aeris?**_

_**The worse part is... my other best friend, and the person that I love so much, Cloud Strife, seems to be taking most of the effect of the tragedy... and it hurts me to see that... it truly hurts me... I always knew that he gave a liking to Aeris... the bubbly flowergirl, and I can't help but feel a little tint of jealousy! **_

_**Isn't that weird? I'm jealous over a dead girl. I'm jealous over a killed best friend. Queer. Strange. But I can't help myself, goddamn it! What would you feel if the one you love is giving more attention to the other girls of his life? I know, it's selfish of me. It's unlike of me, but what can I do? What should I feel? Happy? Jump up and down for joy?** **I can't put myself to do that...**_

_**And now... I wonder... what if I was the one killed in Aeris' place? What if I was the one stabbed by Sephiroth's blade? What if I was the one being struck by this horrible tragedy?**_

_**Would Cloud cry?**_

_**Would Cloud embrace my body in his arms and promise to avenge me?**_

_**Would Cloud give me the attention like he is giving to my best friend?**_

_**Sometimes... I wish that I was the one killed instead... Sometimes... I wish that I wasn't Tifa Lockheart at all... Sometimes... I just wish that Cloud would love me like I love him...**_

_**Truly,  
**__**Tifa Lockheart**_

I stared. I didn't move. I was so shocked by the words and thoughts Tifa used to make that entry. My heart is pounding against my chest, is this real? Is Tifa telling the truth about these things? The way she wrote this entry seems very emotional... If these are real, true, assuredly honest feelings...

Then does that mean that Tifa like me? That she sees me more than a friend? I can't believe it, why haven't I realized that? I closed my eyes and thought about things for a while. I let my muscles relaxed and made my mind ease. I'm so confused... I don't know what to think, I don't know what to do... Okay, inhale... exhale... inhale... exhale... relax, Cloud... don't tense up...

I have to think things through... here goes... I do admit, I love Tifa, I really do! But I only love her as I would to a best friendor to a dear sister. I appreciated her whole being as a person like I appreciated everybody else. Okay, maybe I do love her more than what I just stated, but that was years ago; that feeling already faded away. Or in other words, that emotion is already _over._ Things change and feelings go to different directions.

Or... maybe I'm just overreacting. Maybe I do love her more than that. Maybe I'm just lying to myself, denying my own feelings, because I really did loved her before... is the feeling coming back? No! I'm already married to Aeris! I shouldn't think like this! But... what if... argh! I don't know, I just don't know! Damn it, why should this happen to me in all people?

I shake my head a little roughly and opened my eyes, exposing my tired blue eyes. I'm just so confused, puzzled... I don't know what to act or say about this situation! What should I think? What should I say? I'm stuck between two people I love and I'm having second thoughts about my marriage...

_Marriage. With Aeris..._

It's shameful to say it, but... I suddenly don't like the ring to it. Having a marriage with Aeris doesn't seem that exciting to hear anymore... what am I saying? I love Aeris! What in the hell is happening to me? Aeris is my wife, my adorable wife! God, I shouldn't be too affected by just one entry...

Maybe Tifa is just bluffing? Yeah, she's just bluffing, she must be! I mean, she never really gave much attention to me or never really gave much hints that she likes me, so... she is probably just kidding around with this entry. Like, she's quite bored and decided to joke around.

Yeah, that must be it.

Sighing, I flipped a few pages, and once again, I was caught by a blinding light of one entry. Getting over the pounding of my chest, I took a deep breath and started reading...

_**May 21...**_

_**Dear Diary,**_

_**We defeated Sephiroth a month ago, and it all came by so fast. I felt like yesterday was when everything came crashing down like a landslide, but now, we defeated HIM. The ultra-famous evildoer Sephiroth. Sure, I'm glad it's all over. I'm glad everyone has found everlasting peace and freedom, but... I just can't help myself but feel... empty... sad... depressed... everything! I feel so nothing!**_

_**We may have defeated Sephiroth, but we have lost one friend. Life is blackmailing us! It will give us something, and we have to give away another valuable person in return! Why is life so unfair? Why is Fate so utterly cruel? Why is it that Destiny is taking its own course and seems not to be caring about what we feel, our reactions, our own emotions? Dammit!**_

_**I hate it like this! I hate situations like this! I feel like I want to cry, I want to scream so loud that everyone can hear me! Why? Since Aeris is gone, I also feel... Cloud is gone, too... he's so distant... so dazed... so... **_

_**I don't know! Goddamn it! He's always out there, looking at the sky, daydreaming, blaming himself for Aeris' death! Aeris! Aeris! Aeris! It's always Aeris! It's always that flowergirl! It's always that Cetra! It's always HER!**_

**_Cloud... please... why not me? I'm not trying to be demanding or anything, but... why can't you understand that... Aeris isn't the only girl in the world? That there's more to seek than Aeris...?_** **_It's not that I am discouraging you to like her anymore, but... I'm just so depressed to see you getting all hanged out like this... and... it hurts me to see you love another girl while I'm here behind you loving you also..._**

_**It really hurts me Cloud, if you only knew... countless nights crying by myself, wondering what I went wrong in the past... blaming myself for not being perfect for you... do you know why I'm like this Cloud? Because I love you... I really do love you... but instead of snatching you away from Aeris, I'm right here, letting you be... taking most of the pain... sacrificing my feelings... suffering...**_

**_But now, since Aeris is gone, everything is worse than it should be! You're so distant Cloud! So dazed! It seems you're not the Cloud I know..._** **_Cloud, at least let me comfort you... tell you everything would be alright... let me tell you that everything will be solved soon... at least let me show you that I care for you, Cloud..._**

_**Please...**_

_**Truly,  
**__**Tifa Lockheart**_

I blinked. I blinked one more time. I couldn't believed my eyes again, and this time, I felt a pain in my chest. I pain that I couldn't describe, it was as if I was sharing Tifa's suffering. Tifa... how... I mean... I... no...

And from that moment, I felt fresh streams of water flowed from my blue eyes...

_**To be continued...**_

_OMG! I'm so sorry for the 7 month no update session! I already posted my excuse above, so hope you forgive me...next up: the 2nd part of this chapter!_


End file.
